Attachment styles and dating

What attachment styles are

Attachment theory began with the British psychiatrist John Bowlby, who studied how babies bond with the people who look after them, and the psychologist Mary Ainsworth, whose research described different patterns in those early bonds. In the late 1980s, researchers began applying the same ideas to adult relationships, and found that grown-ups show similar patterns with partners.

Four styles are usually described:

• Secure: comfortable with closeness and with independence. Trusts people, and can say what they need.
• Anxious, sometimes called preoccupied: wants closeness and worries about losing it. Reads a lot into silences.
• Avoidant, sometimes called dismissive: values independence and feels uneasy when things get close. Tends to pull back.
• Fearful-avoidant, sometimes called disorganised: wants closeness and fears it at the same time, so swings between the two.

Two things are worth knowing before you diagnose yourself, or your last three dates. First, these are tendencies on a spectrum, not boxes, and most people recognise a little of themselves in more than one. Second, they are not fixed. Experience, reflection and a steady relationship can all move someone towards secure.

How each style can look in early dating

Secure

Replies when they can and does not keep score. Suggests a plan and sticks to it. Says "I had a great time, can I see you again?" without playing it cool. If they are not interested, they tell you. Dating someone secure can feel almost too calm at first, which is not the same as dull.

Anxious

Checks for replies often and feels a drop in the stomach when one is slow. Rereads messages looking for hidden meaning. May send a second message before the first is answered, or agree to things they do not want so as not to rock the boat. Feels huge relief when reassured, and the relief does not last long.

Avoidant

Warm on the date, then distant for a few days afterwards. Prefers to keep plans loose. Starts finding reasons why someone is not quite right just as things begin to go well. Values their own space highly, and can feel crowded by what other people would call normal contact.

Fearful-avoidant

Hot and cold. Very open one week, withdrawn the next. Wants someone to come close, then feels exposed when they do. Often aware of the pattern, and frustrated by it.

The anxious and avoidant loop

Anxious and avoidant people are often drawn to each other, and the pairing can get stuck in a loop. The anxious person reaches for reassurance. The avoidant person feels crowded and steps back. The anxious person reaches harder, and the avoidant person withdraws further. Both end up feeling misunderstood.

In the early weeks it often plays out in messages. One person sends a long, warm message and waits. The other replies a day later with two lines. The first reads it as rejection; the second is baffled by the reaction. Neither is a villain. They are simply running on different settings.

The way out is the same for both: say what is going on in plain words, before it turns into a row. "I get a bit anxious when I don't hear from someone, so it helps me if we plan the next date before we say goodbye" is a fair thing to say. So is "I really like you, and I also need a couple of quiet evenings a week. It isn't about you."

Dating with an anxious streak

• Plan the next contact. Agreeing the next date at the end of this one takes away a lot of the waiting.
• Pause before you reply to a message that has stirred you up. Ten minutes is often enough to send something you will not regret.
• Keep your week full. Friends, exercise and hobbies are not distractions from dating; they stop one person becoming your whole mood.
• Learn the difference between your gut and your fear. A gut feeling usually comes with evidence. Fear tends to come with a story about what a silence means.
• Look for consistency rather than fireworks. Someone who is reliably kind and replies in their own time is worth more than someone who sends you on a rollercoaster.

Dating with an avoidant streak

• Say you need space instead of disappearing. "I'm having a quiet week, but I'd love to see you on Saturday" keeps the door open.
• Notice when you start finding faults. If the ick tends to arrive just as someone gets close, ask yourself whether the problem is them or the closeness.
• Keep contact small and regular rather than big gestures followed by silence. A short message every day or two is easier for most people than a long one once a week.
• Be honest early if you are not looking for anything serious. It saves both of you time.
• If you decide it is not right, say so. A short, kind message is better than a slow fade, and our guide on how to let someone down gently has words you can use.

Use it to understand, not to label

Attachment language is most useful when you apply it to yourself. Telling a date "You're clearly avoidant" is likely to end the conversation, and after three dates you may well be wrong. Describing what happened and what would help works far better: "When I don't hear from you for a few days, I start to wonder where I stand. Could we plan the week?"

The same goes for reading profiles. Someone who writes that they value their independence is not necessarily avoidant, and someone who says they want something serious is not necessarily anxious. Let people show you who they are over a few weeks before you decide what their style is.

Finding someone secure, or becoming more secure

There is no badge for a secure attachment style, but there are signs. Secure people tend to answer questions directly, make plans and keep them, talk about past relationships without contempt, and stay calm when you say what you need. Those are worth noticing on a first or second date, and our guide to modern dating terms lists more of these green flags.

You can also set things up for a steadier start. On My Cupid Dates, your profile includes the kind of relationship you want, and daily suggestions take that into account along with your interests and values, so you begin with people who are after something similar. Writing honestly about the pace you like, whether that is slow and steady or keen to meet soon, helps the right people find you and the wrong ones pass by.

If your own pattern is the thing getting in the way, take heart: styles do shift. Many people become more secure through a relationship with someone dependable, through reflection, or with professional help. Talking about it openly with the person you are seeing also helps more than most people expect. Our guide to love languages has some easy questions for starting that kind of conversation.

When to get support

If worry about relationships is affecting your sleep, your work or your wellbeing, or past relationships left you feeling unsafe, talk to your GP or to a qualified counsellor or therapist. You do not need to be in crisis to ask for help, and talking it through with a professional is often quicker than working it out alone.

If anyone you are dating frightens you, controls you or pressures you, that is not an attachment style. It is a reason to step away. Our safety page explains how to block and report someone on the site, and the guide to meeting safely covers first meetings.

Quick questions

What are the four attachment styles?

Secure, anxious (also called preoccupied), avoidant (also called dismissive) and fearful-avoidant (also called disorganised). Most people show a mix, with one tendency stronger than the others.

Can your attachment style change?

Yes. Styles are tendencies, not fixed traits. Steady relationships, self-awareness and therapy can all help someone become more secure over time.

Can an anxious and an avoidant person make it work?

They can, if both understand the pattern and talk about it. The anxious partner asking plainly for what helps, and the avoidant partner explaining their need for space rather than going quiet, is what breaks the loop.

Is there a test for attachment style?

Researchers use questionnaires to measure attachment, and many online quizzes are loosely based on them. A quiz can be a starting point, but how you actually feel and act in relationships is a better guide.