Modern dating terms and what they mean

Why the labels help

Most of these words describe things people have always done. Someone loses interest and goes quiet. Someone comes on strong, then cools off. Someone keeps you around without ever making a plan. The labels are new, and they are useful for one reason: once you can name a pattern, you notice it sooner, and you stop wondering whether it is your fault.

A label is not a verdict, though. People get busy, nervous and distracted, and one slow reply is not a pattern. Look at what keeps happening, not at what happened once.

When someone goes quiet

Ghosting

Ghosting is ending contact with no explanation. The messages stop, and the other person never says why. It can happen after a handful of messages or after several dates, and it stings more the further things had gone.

What to do: send one message if you want to, something like "I haven't heard back, so I'll take it this isn't for you. All the best." Then leave it there. You do not need a reply to move on, and chasing rarely gets one. If you are the one losing interest, two kind lines are better than silence, and our guide on how to let someone down gently has wording you can borrow.

The slow fade

The slow fade is ghosting in instalments. Replies get shorter and further apart, plans stay vague, and the conversation dwindles until it stops. It is often meant kindly, as a way to avoid an awkward message, but it usually leaves the other person guessing for longer.

What to do: if the effort has become one-sided, ask a plain question, such as "Are you still keen to meet up?" A real yes comes with a day and a time. Anything else is an answer too.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is sending just enough attention to keep you interested, with no plan to go further. A like here, a flirty line there, a "we should grab a drink sometime" that never turns into an actual drink.

What to do: suggest something specific, a day, a place and a time. Someone who is interested will say yes or offer another slot. If the crumbs keep coming but the plans never do, you have your answer, and you can spend your energy on people who reply in full.

Orbiting and zombieing

Orbiting is when someone stops talking to you but keeps watching from a distance, viewing what you share and reacting now and then. Zombieing is when someone who ghosted you reappears weeks or months later as if nothing happened.

What to do: an orbiter needs nothing from you. With a returning ghost, it is fair to ask what changed before you pick up where you left off. If they cannot give you a straight answer, you lose nothing by saying no.

When it moves too fast

Love bombing

Love bombing is overwhelming attention very early on: constant messages, huge compliments, talk of soulmates or a shared future before you have even met. It can feel wonderful, which is exactly why it works.

It matters for two reasons. In relationships, sudden intensity can be a way to win trust quickly and then take control. And on dating sites it is one of the most common openings for romance fraud: affection first, then a crisis that needs money, or a push to carry on the chat somewhere else. Our guide to online dating scams sets out the warning signs.

What to do: slow the pace yourself and watch the reaction. Someone who is simply keen will be happy with a coffee next week. Someone who sulks, guilt-trips or turns up the pressure is telling you something important. Never send money to someone you have not met, whatever the story.

Future faking

Future faking is promising big plans for later, the holiday next summer or the friends they cannot wait for you to meet, to create closeness now, while the small, near plans that would actually show interest never happen. Judge people on next week, not next year.

When it stays undefined

The talking stage

The talking stage is the stretch between first contact and first date: messaging, maybe a call, getting a feel for each other. It is a normal phase, not a problem. It becomes one when it goes on and on and nobody suggests meeting.

What to do: if you have been chatting happily for a week or two, suggest meeting somewhere public for a coffee or a walk. Long message threads build a picture of someone that a real meeting then has to live up to, so it helps to meet before the picture gets too detailed.

Situationship

A situationship is more than casual and less than a relationship. You spend time together, perhaps meet each other's friends, but neither of you has said what it is. Some people are content in that space for a while. It tends to turn sour when one person wants more and does not feel able to say so.

What to do: if the uncertainty is bothering you, it is time to talk about where things stand. Our guide on when to become exclusive covers how to raise it and what to do with either answer.

Benching

Benching is keeping someone as an option: in touch, friendly, never quite chosen. You tend to hear from them when their other plans fall through.

What to do: notice whether contact comes with plans or only fills gaps in their diary. You are allowed to want someone who picks you first.

DTR

DTR stands for "define the relationship", the conversation in which two people agree what they are to each other. It does not need to be formal. It just needs to happen before either of you is guessing.

Words for signals and seasons

Red flags and green flags

A red flag is a sign that something is wrong: pressure, lies, rudeness to waiting staff, contempt for every ex, a request for money. A green flag is a sign that something is right: they reply when they say they will, make plans and keep them, ask about your life and remember the answers.

Green flags are easy to miss because they are quiet. Consistency rarely feels thrilling at first, but it is what good relationships are usually built on.

The ick

The ick is a sudden and often irrational turn-off, like the way someone chases a bus or says "yummy". Everyone gets them. If an ick arrives early and will not shift, it is fair to step away. If you find you get one with everyone who is kind to you, that is worth a closer look, and our guide to attachment styles explores why some people pull back just as things go well.

Cuffing season

Cuffing season is the stretch from autumn into winter when more people look for a partner. Dark evenings, Christmas parties and questions from the family all nudge in the same direction. Some of those couples last; some fizzle out by spring.

What to do: nothing, unless you want to. If you meet someone in the colder months, just be honest with yourself about whether it is them you want, or company until the evenings get lighter.

Say it plainly instead

The terms are good for understanding what is going on. They are less good in the conversation itself. Telling someone they are breadcrumbing you puts them on the defensive. Telling them what you want usually gets a straighter answer.

• Instead of "Are you breadcrumbing me?", try "I'd like to meet up. Are you free on Thursday?"
• Instead of "Is this a situationship?", try "I'm enjoying this, and I'd like to know where you think it's going."
• Instead of "You're love bombing me", try "I like talking to you, and I prefer to take things slowly."
• Instead of a silent fade, try "I've enjoyed chatting, but I don't think we're a match. Good luck."

Straight questions save time on both sides, and the right person will not mind them. If you want to show the kind of dater you are before anyone writes, say it on your profile too; our guide to writing a dating profile shows how.

Tools that help on My Cupid Dates

Most of these patterns are people being unclear, and a plain message sorts them out. When behaviour crosses into pressure, harassment or anything that smells like a scam, the site gives you ways to act:

• Block someone, and they lose the ability to contact you or see you.
• Report a member, or something they have sent or posted, without leaving the site.
• Rate an interaction up or down with one click. Each member's reputation score reflects how they behave and the feedback they receive.
• Take notice when the site warns you that someone is trying to move your chat to an outside app such as WhatsApp, a favourite move of scammers.
• Ask the support team for help by chat or messaging, at any hour.

Our safety page explains each of these, and the guide to meeting safely covers the habits that keep a first meeting comfortable.

Quick questions

Is it rude to ghost after one date?

A short message is kinder. After one date, a line such as "Thanks for meeting up. I don't think we're a match, but I hope you find what you're looking for" takes a minute and saves the other person from wondering. The exception is safety: if someone made you uncomfortable, you owe them nothing, and you can simply block them.

What is the difference between a situationship and dating?

Dating usually means you are getting to know each other with a view to something more, and you both know it. A situationship is when you already act like a couple in some ways but nobody has said what it is. The difference is the conversation.

Is love bombing always a red flag?

Not always. Some people are simply excited and expressive. The test is what happens when you slow things down. A keen person adjusts. Someone who sulks, pressures you or suddenly needs money is the reason the term exists.

When is cuffing season?

Roughly from October to February, through the dark evenings, the festive season and Valentine's Day, when plenty of people would like someone to share them with.