When to become exclusive, and how to ask

Dating, exclusive, in a relationship

People use these words differently, which is half the reason the conversation feels awkward. A rough guide:

• Dating: you are seeing each other and getting to know each other. Either of you may still be talking to, or seeing, other people.
• Exclusive: you have agreed to see only each other. Some couples treat this as a step on the way to a relationship; others see it as the same thing.
• In a relationship: you are a couple, you think of each other as partners, and you probably say so to friends and family.

Because the lines are blurry, never assume. Two people can spend a lovely month together with completely different ideas about what it is. The conversation exists to make sure you are both describing the same thing.

How long people usually wait

There is no standard timetable. For many people the question comes up after a handful of dates spread over several weeks, once the early nerves have gone and they have seen each other in a few different settings. Some know sooner. Some take longer, especially after a long relationship or a painful break-up, which our guide to dating after a breakup talks about.

A better question than "how many dates?" is "what do I know about this person?" If you have seen how they treat you when they are tired, how they cope with a change of plan, and whether they keep their word, you know enough to have the conversation. If you are still learning the basics, give it time.

Signs it might be time

• You have stopped messaging other people, or you have no wish to start.
• You make plans more than a few days ahead, and both of you keep them.
• You talk most days, and the contact feels easy rather than something you have to chase.
• You have met some of each other's friends, or talked about it.
• The thought of them seeing someone else bothers you.
• You can talk about small difficulties without them turning into a drama.

Signs to slow down

• You mostly hear from them late at night, or when their other plans fall through.
• Plans stay vague, and they change the subject whenever the future comes up.
• You want to be exclusive mainly because you are worried about losing them, rather than because things are good.
• You have not met in person yet. Messaging can build real feelings, but agree to be exclusive after you have spent time together face to face.

If the second list sounds more familiar, you may be in what people now call a situationship. Our guide to modern dating terms explains what that means, and the guide to attachment styles looks at why some people find this stage harder than others.

How to start the conversation

Choose a calm moment, ideally in person: on a walk, over dinner or on the sofa, not halfway through a night out or straight after a disagreement. Keep it short and about you rather than a list of demands. Then stop talking and listen.

A few ways to put it:

• "I've really enjoyed the last few weeks. I'm not seeing anyone else, and I'd like us to be exclusive. How do you feel about that?"
• "I've stopped looking at other profiles because I want to see where this goes. Are you in the same place?"
• "Can I ask where you think this is heading? I'd like to know we're on the same page."

Give them room to think. Some people answer straight away; others need a day. A considered yes is worth waiting for, and a rushed one is not much use to either of you.

Messaging is fine if that is how you two talk most comfortably, or if distance means you will not see each other for a while. Tone is harder to read in writing, though, so if you can wait until you are together, you will both find it easier.

If you want different things

Sometimes the answer is "not yet", "I'm not sure" or "I'm not looking for that". It hurts, and it is still better to know.

• "Not yet" can be fair. Ask what would help them decide, and agree roughly when you will talk again.
• "I'm not sure", after months of dating, is usually an answer in itself. Decide how long you are willing to wait, and be honest with yourself about it.
• "I'm not looking for that" is clear. You can stay if something more casual genuinely suits you, but do not stay hoping they will change their mind.

If you decide to step away, do it kindly and clearly. Our guide on how to let someone down gently has wording for exactly this moment.

It helps to know what you want before you ask. Some people need to talk most days to feel close; others are happy with a couple of dates a week. Some want to meet friends early; others prefer to wait. If you know your own answers, you will find it easier to hear theirs without panicking, and to work out whether the difference is small enough to live with. Our guide to love languages can help you put some of those needs into words.

What changes once you are exclusive

Less than you might think, at first. You still have your own friends, routines and evenings in, and you should. What changes is the agreement: you are not seeing anyone else, and you are both choosing to put time into this.

• Talk about how often you would like to see each other and be in touch. One person's normal can be another person's too much.
• Mention the things that matter before they become problems: how you feel about late nights out, meeting family, or how you like to spend weekends.
• Keep doing the things you enjoyed before you met. A couple made of two full lives is sturdier than one built around each other's spare time.

Most of all, keep talking. Becoming exclusive is a beginning rather than a finish line, and the habit of asking each other plainly what you want will serve you long after this first conversation.

Your dating profile, once you are exclusive

Agree what you will both do about dating profiles. Some couples delete theirs together as a small ritual. Others simply stop logging in. There is no right way, only the one you have agreed, and agreeing it avoids an awkward moment if a friend spots a profile that is still up.

If it does not work out, the time was not wasted. You will know more about what you want, and you can start meeting people again whenever you feel ready.

If you met online, meet in person first

It is common to feel close to someone after weeks of messages. Before you agree to be exclusive, meet in person, more than once if you can. If someone wants commitment, money or secrecy before they will meet you, treat it as a warning, not a compliment. Our guides to meeting safely and online dating scams explain why.

On My Cupid Dates, you can see whether someone has the photo-ID badge, which shows they have completed a free ID check or a profile check by the team, and you can do the same for yourself. It is one more reason for a match to trust you are who you say you are.

Quick questions

How many dates before you become exclusive?

There is no rule. Many people have the conversation after a handful of dates over several weeks, but the right time is when you know each other well enough and both want the same thing.

Is being exclusive the same as being in a relationship?

For some couples it is; for others, exclusive is a step before calling each other partners. If the difference matters to you, ask what the word means to them.

Who should bring it up?

Whoever wants to know. There is no rule about who goes first, and asking calmly is a sign of confidence, not neediness.

Is it OK to ask by message?

It is fine if messaging is how you normally talk or you live far apart. In person is easier, because you can hear each other's tone and talk it through.