First message examples that get a reply

You don't have to be witty to write a good opener. Each first message example below is tied to something on a made-up profile, so you can see why it works and swap in details from the person you'd like to talk to. You'll find online dating opening lines for different situations, conversation starters that work on any dating app or site, funny ones that don't try too hard, and what to do once they reply. Like My Cupid Dates itself, the advice is for adults 18 and over.

Why "hey" and copy-paste openers fall flat

"Hey" is friendly, but it hands all the work to the other person: they have to find a topic, decide if you're worth the effort and write the real first message themselves. If they've a few hellos waiting, the ones with something to answer tend to get answered first.

Copy-paste openers look like more effort but land the same way. A line that could be sent to anyone reads as if it has been. "You must be tired, you've been running through my mind all day" might earn a smile, but it says nothing about the person you're writing to and leaves them nothing to say except "ha".

A good opener has three parts instead:

• One specific thing from their profile, so they know you've read it.
• A little about you, so they've got something to go on.
• An easy question, so replying takes no effort.

What to say in a first message: start with their profile

Pick one detail from their profile. Not the first thing anyone would notice, but the one you'd most like to hear more about.

A photo

Look past the smile to what's around it: muddy boots, a lopsided birthday cake, a dog with opinions. Say one photo shows a soaked dog leaping into the sea:

"I have to ask about the dog in your beach photo, because mine treats rain as a personal insult. Is yours always that thrilled to be wet?"

An interest

Go one step further than "I see you like cooking" and ask about the personal side. Say baking is on their list:

"Baking's on your list, and I'm a very keen eater of other people's baking, so I'm curious: what do you make when you want to impress someone?"

What they're looking for

It's fine to mention the kind of relationship they want, especially if you want the same. Say they're after something long-term and love a quiet weekend:

"It's nice to see someone say plainly that they want a proper relationship. Same here. What does a good quiet weekend look like for you?"

If they want something you don't, it's kinder to be upfront, or not to write at all.

Something they wrote

A throwaway line in their introduction is often the best material. Say they mention still recovering from a karaoke incident:

"You can't mention a karaoke incident and then just carry on. What happened? I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

How long a first message should be

Two to four sentences: enough to show you've read their profile and say something about yourself, short enough to read on a phone at the bus stop. One word gives them nothing to work with, and a page about your life story or your last relationship is a lot to answer from a stranger.

Opening lines for different situations

Not every profile gives you the same material. These conversation starters cover the usual situations.

You share an interest

"I like walking too" ends the conversation where it started. Turn the shared interest into a question, and give your own answer so it doesn't feel like a quiz:

"You've got walking on your list too. Are you an up-at-dawn, proper-boots walker or a stroll-to-the-pub-for-lunch walker? I'm firmly the second."

"Another crime novel reader. Do you try to guess the ending, or refuse so it's a surprise? I always guess, and I'm always wrong."

A question that's easy to answer

"Tell me about yourself" is too big, and "What do you do?" sounds like a form. Offer a few options they can pick from and run with. Say they've written that Sunday mornings are sacred:

"Sunday mornings are sacred, you say. What's the ideal one: a long lie-in, a big breakfast or out early before anyone else is up? I'm a big breakfast person, no question."

Light and playful

Funny first messages work when the joke comes from their profile and teases a situation, never the person. A gentle challenge to something they've claimed is a safe start. Say they claim to make the best cheese on toast going:

"That's a bold claim about the cheese on toast. I'll need to hear your method before I believe it."

Or one of their photos shows them in an enormous banana costume:

"Lovely profile, very sensible, but I can't move on until I know the story behind the banana costume."

Or they call themselves a terrible cook but a brilliant washer-upper:

"I love cooking and can't stand washing up, so we might be onto something. Just how brilliant are we talking?"

Skip jokes about looks, age or anything they can't change. Sarcasm rarely survives being written down.

They seem shy

If a profile says they're quiet at first, make replying easy: a short message, one simple question and a sign that a short answer is fine. Say they grow their own tomatoes:

"No need for an essay back, but I saw you grow your own tomatoes. How did they do this year? Mine mostly fed the slugs."

Their profile is short

A short profile can just mean writing about themselves isn't their thing. Use the one detail you have, or go first. Say there's a single line saying they love the sea:

"Short and sweet, so I'll start with the one thing I know: you love the sea. Swimmer, or more of a look-at-it-with-a-hot-drink person? I'm the hot drink sort."

Or there's nothing but a photo of them holding a mug:

"Your profile's keeping its secrets, so I'll go first: I teach, and I'm learning the guitar, slowly. What keeps you busy, apart from that very large mug of tea?"

If yours is the short one, our guide to writing a dating profile will give people more to work with.

Compliments that land, and the ones to skip

A compliment makes a lovely opener when it's about something they chose, made or wrote. Looks-only lines such as "you're gorgeous", "great body" or "how are you still single?" leave nothing to answer except "thanks", and from a stranger they can feel uncomfortable rather than flattering.

Notice a choice, a skill or a way of seeing things instead. Say they've written about Saturdays helping at an animal rescue:

"I loved reading about your Saturdays at the animal rescue. Is there one resident you've got a soft spot for?"

A warm word about a photo works too, if it's about the moment rather than their looks:

"You look properly happy in the photo at the top of that hill. Was the view worth the climb?"

When they reply, and when they don't

Keep it going: answer, add, ask

A reply means the opener worked. Now aim for a conversation, not an interview: answer what they asked, add something about you and ask one thing back. Say they answer the cheese on toast line with "Mustard under the cheese, then under the grill until it bubbles. Do you cook?" You might write:

"Mustard under the cheese is genius, I'm stealing that. I cook, but it's mostly the same three dinners on rotation. What's the most ambitious thing you've made?"

• Roughly match their length. If they send two lines, a page back is a lot.
• One question per message is plenty. Three in a row starts to feel like a form.
• Pick up small things they mention in passing. Bringing them up later shows you were listening.

When it's flowing, our guide on how long to message before meeting helps you judge when to suggest meeting up, and our meeting safely guide covers the practical side. Our first date questions work well in messages too.

When there's no reply

Silence isn't always a no. People get busy, log in at odd hours, or read a message on a bad day and forget to come back. Give it a few days, and if you'd still like to hear from them, send one gentle follow-up:

"No worries if you're busy. I'm still curious about the banana costume, though."

Then move on. Don't send a string of messages or ask why they haven't answered, and never reach for guilt, such as "I can see you've read this". It may be timing or simply not a fit, and a second nudge won't fix either. A fresh opener to someone new is a better use of the effort.

How to answer a first message you receive

If you'd like to talk, the same answer, add, ask pattern works when you're the one replying. If all they sent was "hey", rescue it by doing the bit they didn't:

"Hey yourself. Your profile says you play five-a-side, so I'm guessing your weekends involve a fair bit of mud. Am I right?"

Not interested? You don't have to reply. If the message was thoughtful, though, a short, kind no is a decent thing to send:

"Thanks for such a kind message. I don't think we're the right match, but I hope you find someone lovely."

If someone pushes back after a polite no, or is rude, you don't owe them another word. Blocking is instant, and reporting takes a couple of taps.

Site tools that help you say hello

Promote Me sends intro messages on your behalf, and every member can use it. It's handy when you're short on time, but write to the people who really catch your eye yourself.

A Super Match sends a message they can always read and answer, and gives your profile priority with that person for the next 24 hours. You get one a week, or three on VIP, so save it for the profile you'd most like to hear from.

The Activity Feed and Spaces, along with polls and articles, let you be around the community before you message anyone. People get a sense of you first, and you'll often find something to mention when you do write.

Read receipts on VIP show when your message has been read. Treat that as information, not a reason to chase.

Private messages come with a daily allowance unless you're on VIP, so it pays to make each opener count.

Keeping early messages safe

A few habits keep early conversations safe without making you suspicious of everyone.

• Never send money or gift cards, however good the reason sounds or however well you're getting on.
• Don't move to another app just because someone asks. The site warns you when someone tries to take the conversation elsewhere, since that is a favourite move of scammers.
• Share personal details at your own pace. Your real name and email aren't shown on the site, and other members only see your nearest town or city.
• Trust your instincts. If a conversation keeps steering towards money, a hard-luck story or pressure to hurry, stop replying and report it.

Our guide to online dating scams covers the warning signs in more detail.

Quick questions

What should I say in a first message on a dating site or app?

Mention one detail from their profile, share something small about yourself and finish with a question they can answer quickly. Keep the whole thing short enough to read on a phone in one go.

Is it rude to just say hi?

It isn't rude, just hard to reply to. Adding a line about their profile and a question turns the same hello into something they can actually answer.

Who should send the first message?

Whoever is interested. A thoughtful opener reads well from anyone, so there's no need to wait to be asked.

How long should I wait before following up?

A few days is reasonable, since nobody is online all the time. Send one friendly nudge at most, and if that goes unanswered, move on to someone new.

Are funny opening lines a good idea?

Yes, if the joke is about something on their profile rather than about them. A borrowed pick-up line tends to read as borrowed.